I started my weight loss journey in November of 2015. I had recently had a baby, and back surgery, and knew that it was time to get my body as healthy as it could be. I felt completely broken, not just on the outside, but on the inside, too.
When I walked into Weight Watchers that November I told myself I couldn’t quit.
I wasn’t allowing myself to give up again, and there was no time limit on my journey. It didn’t matter how long it took, I was in it this time for the long haul and no matter what.
My “why” was greater than it had ever been.
Fast forward to August of 2017. I’ve been a Weight Watchers member (this time) for 643 days. (Yes, I had to look that number up 😉 ) There have been a lot of days that this journey has been easy. It’s been easy to make good choices, and get my workout in, and drink my water… yada yada yada. But, there have also been a lot of really difficult days during this time, too. This past week was one of those times.
We sent our oldest son to kindergarten this week and he’s struggling at drop off. He’s terrified of not finding his class so I’m dropping him off in tears on the sidewalk inside and watching him walk in with tears streaming down his cheeks and a teacher holding his hand. This week has been so emotionally draining, and to be honest, I wasn’t really prepared for it.
I knew I’d struggle, but didn’t think he would, and that’s added a whole new level of struggle for me.
I had to practice a lot of intuitive eating this week and remind myself that bingeing was not going to make this any less difficult, in fact, it would make me feel worse. I needed to feel the emotions instead of shoving them down with food. I wasn’t perfect, I had some moments that I let myself indulge, but I didn’t let myself feel disappointment or regret about it.
There is a difference in indulging and bingeing.
Indulging is enjoying the food, and having a clear mind about it with no guilt afterwards. Bingeing is using food as a drug to avoid “feeling” an emotion that makes you feel uncomfortable. There is a difference. There shouldn’t be guilt about indulging, in my opinion.
It’s ok to indulge, but bingeing is another monster.
Mid-week I started to feel frustrated that the week wasn’t going the way I’d like, and I’d most likely see a gain on the scale at my Saturday morning weigh in. That’s when I laced up my shoes, and got outside. I went on a walk and unplugged.
On that walk I forgave myself for any negativity I was feeling about how the week was going and allowed myself to accept this week as it was. Sometimes this journey is accepting yourself exactly as you are and accepting the circumstances that you cannot change. Sometimes that means the scale isn’t going to move, or it’s going to go in the wrong direction. THAT’S OK.
This journey of 643 days has not been full of perfectly on plan days.
This journey has had many bumps and bruises.
I know there are more to come.
That’s the real lesson here, embracing the imperfections that are inevitable.
I have not failed until I quit. And, you won’t see me quit.
Part of embracing your beautifully broken journey is accepting that this journey will not be perfect. It’s not perfect for anyone. If you are seeking perfection, you are going to be disappointed in yourself often. We are human. We are not perfect, that’s the job of Jesus.
Our lives are filled with circumstances out of our control and we need to learn to do our best when those situations arise, and when we don’t do as well as we would have liked, we need to learn to offer ourselves grace for the journey.
I showed up at my meeting this morning knowing the scale was going up. I took it as information, and nothing more.
The scale does not define me any longer. I am not that number.
This week, I was a first time kindergarten Mom who put her heart and soul into her son, and my weight loss journey took a back seat. That doesn’t make me a failure. That makes me a success because when I walked through those doors and committed to a healthier life 643 days ago, that meant staying true to that promise through the good days, and the bad days. That meant making healthy choices as often as I can, and when I fall short, forgiving myself and moving on. That meant I won’t allow myself to ever give up again, because I am worth the work and I am worth living a life where I have found freedom from food.
I am no longer a girl who bases her value on the number on the scale.
I am no longer a girl who puts so much pressure on herself she constantly feels suffocated.
I am worth more than that.
You are, too.