When I lost 100 pounds I let go of fear, self hatred, doubt and pain. I committed to this journey, no matter what, and in the process found myself again.
This journey is about so much more than the number I see when I step on the scale.
This journey is about more than the size of my clothes.
This journey is about change.
This journey is about becoming more “me” than I’ve ever been.
When I started my weight loss journey two years ago, I tried really hard not to focus on how far I had to go… instead I chose to focus on the day to day activities I needed to do to help me towards my goal. I knew the amount of weight I needed to lose was a lot, and deep down I knew “the number”, but I couldn’t let myself think about it until I got closer.
I was watching a Connecting with Oprah video on Connect (the Weight Watchers version of “Facebook”) several months ago and she was interviewing a member about her journey. In that video she said she wasn’t doing this to just lose the weight, she was doing this to RELEASE it, because she had no intention of finding it again. It gave me chills and I remember writing it down immediately on a sheet of paper knowing that it was a turning point in my own journey. A few weeks later that exact wording was used in one of my Weight Watchers meetings and I knew God was smiling down on me saying,
“Amy, you are going to release it this time and I’m going to keep reminding you that you CAN do it, once and for all.”
On October 7, 2017 I stepped on the scale and lost the “number” I tried really hard not to think too much about along the way. That morning I weighed 100.2 pounds less than what I started 23 months prior.
ONE. HUNDRED. POUNDS.
Saying that still feels totally crazy. I have persevered, I have struggled, I have cried, I have rejoiced and I have changed. My, how I have changed. I am a different person than I was in November 2015 when I started. This new person isn’t afraid to be proud of herself anymore. This new person isn’t afraid to look a challenge dead in the eyes and say, “watch me”. I will no longer live a life of fear. I lived that way for too long. NO MORE.When I heard that interview about releasing the weight I had a vision of me physically releasing the 100 pounds when I reached that goal. The weeks leading up to it I would envision myself physically letting go of everything that that 100 pounds held for me. It meant I was-
- Letting go fear.
- Letting go of doubt.
- Letting go of self hatred.
- Letting go of the physical and emotional pain from my past.
On a beautiful October evening, my amazing photographer, Rebecca, helped bring my vision to reality. It couldn’t have been more perfect. It was exactly what I needed to do. With giant “1-0-0” balloons in my hands, and the support of my boys we held onto those “100 pound” balloons for a while. After all, the person I used to be, with the extra 100 pounds, wasn’t all worth letting go of.
That person who carried the extra weight was still a good person, she was just really sad.
She was a Mother who loved fiercely and a wife who fought for her marriage even when she doubted her strength and when the odds were stacked against them. That part of me hasn’t changed, but releasing this weight means I am more present, I am more active and I am so much happier. My boys have watched me fight, harder than ever, and though I don’t make a big deal about the number on the scale, they know that Mommy has gotten healthier and these balloons were celebrating that. Plus, what child doesn’t love balloons?!?I wanted to have some time alone to release them. My time to forever say goodbye to the bondage that those 100 pounds held. As I was standing on the hill, with the balloons in my hand, Rebecca said, “Ok, Amy… let them go….” I couldn’t for just another minute… it almost felt like I was grasping them for fear that letting them go meant I was going to fail again, like I have every time before now. But, I did it anyways. I did it without knowing what the rest of this journey looks like. I did it with tears in my eyes, pride in my heart and SO much thankfulness. SO. MUCH. THANKFULNESS.As I watched them fly away it was literally like a movie reel in my mind. I pictured myself walking through the doors of Weight Watchers that Saturday so ashamed of gaining all my weight back, again. I pictured myself sitting in therapy coming to terms with my binge eating disorder. I pictured myself crying because of how much my body hurt and not knowing how I was ever going to find “me” again. I pictured myself in my Bar Method workouts, tracking my food, talking about my fears, sharing my journey on Instagram… I hope I never forget that moment. I didn’t want to look away. But as with any journey, there is always a time to move on, and so I did. I turned and walked away, leaving those balloons flying away and tears streaming down my face. I did it. I accomplished a goal that felt like a mountain I wasn’t equipped to climb.
As I type that out, tears are streaming again because even though I reached 100 pounds lost almost 2 months ago… it still feels so surreal. I never want to forget the determination and dedication this journey required of me. I never want to forget the strength this journey has taken, and all the lessons God has taught me about myself along the way.My journey is beautifully broken.
I have no idea what God has in store for me. I am not yet at my goal weight, but for the first time EVER, I know I will reach it. I have never had the courage to say that, let alone believe it.
When you change your mind, you can truly change your life. I didn’t make total peace with my journey until the last few months to be honest, about the time I started this blog. When the words “beautifully broken” became a part of my daily vocabulary I realized that this journey, as broken as it is, is beautiful because it’s mine.
It’s beautiful because it celebrates the work that Jesus has done in my heart.
It’s beautiful because it’s about faith over fear.
It’s trusting that God has a plan for my life, and even though I don’t know what it is, I trust that He knows what is best, and He won’t let me down, because He hasn’t yet.
Losing 100 pounds is something I never thought I could do. But, I did it.
If today is your day one, or you are trying to break free from your own food struggles… keep going.
Keep fighting for freedom. You ARE an overcomer. You CAN do this. I promise you, once you do… you will be so proud. Let go of fear and you’ll be amazed what God has in store for you.
*A HUGE thank you to Rebecca with Rebecca Peters Photography for capturing this moment for me, and for being there to hug me when it was all over. I’ll never forget this moment, and I’m forever grateful you helped my vision come to life.